You don't have asthma, your pregnant
oh god the rape fog is back!
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
