1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Randomize
