I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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