Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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