I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
