First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
