i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
