she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
