Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.