If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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