So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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