...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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