Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
do herpes really smell.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
