Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
