mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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