Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
