Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
whose parrot is this?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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