I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
