It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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