U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
