I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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