I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
