1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I met the friendliest cop last night
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
