After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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