good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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