so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
