Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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