highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
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In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
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I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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