All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
