That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
