The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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