I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
