new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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