Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
