saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Randomize
