I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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