Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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