I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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