now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
