I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
