My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
