Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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