One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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