my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Randomize
