my mouth tastes like poor choices
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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