I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
