I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
