I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
