Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
