I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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