she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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