why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
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