Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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