I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
