The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
