i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
