I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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