if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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